#15: Finding strength in the darkest of times

The last couple months have been some of the hardest in my life outside of the years building up to and going through my divorce. My company has been in the midst of total chaos, creating a completely hostile, toxic work environment, and causing my already insanely stressful job to become downright unstable. This lack of clarity on my financial security, a very real risk in the near future, has sent me into a tailspin of anxiety. Physical symptoms of chest pain and tightness, inability to breathe, lack of sleep, weight loss, handfuls of hair falling out... and outright total panic attacks. So uncomfortable in my own body, crawling out of my skin with anxiety. Perhaps worst of all, my overall self-worth plummeted. I began questioning what value I do bring, and I heard me say such negative things to myself. Taking the stress from a thankless job home every day and sitting in it... stewing in it... letting it consume every ounce of by being every minute of the day. Feeling more alone than ever, recognizing that I'm really the only one. It's just me. To take care of Mia, to shelter her from feeling the impact of this situation, to make sure nothing changes in terms of the stability of her home or her life. It's all on me to keep her happy, healthy and secure. I've found myself in a place of darkness, searching for a direction, a glimpse of a light to guide me out.

It's certainly been a time of digging deep. Of reconsidering what I want in life. What really brings my life peace and joy. Of reaching out to my resources in friends, family and doctors. Of doing the things I know help me like getting my workouts in to have that intense physical stress relief. Leaning on my people, finding new methods, and carving out little moments - even to just go outside - to at least turn the volume down on my bellowing, racing, anxious mind. Uncovering how to distract myself enough in healthy ways to regain some balance. Searching for a source of faith to know that it's all going to be ok. That this too, I will overcome and be better for it on the other side. And I'm still digging... still going. Pulling out all the stops, everything I have inside me. Fighting to find the next step back to solid ground.

My realization is that my true goal is to be present. To have the awareness to pull myself back to the now if and when my mind takes me somewhere dark. To have the bandwidth to really feel the joy in everyday things. To embrace empowerment and take control. To find peace and confidence inside myself. To take my moments of strength and build on them - to create a stronger foothold on my own life that is so powerful that nobody can ever take it away again.